10th July 2011

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what the heck…

so last night I had this conversation with a chick.  went something along the lines of:

her: “ya I got this email from my old boyfriend, he’s doing really well and has made me start thinking about alot of things, and even signed it ‘with love.’”

me:  “well what kind of things you been thinking about?  how’s he makin u feel?”

etc. etc. etc. talking about feelings and other such crap…  im not bitter i promise

me: “so to summarize, his email brought up a lot of old flames about him that you haven’t dealt with in a long time…”

her: “um no, not at all. to summarize, i’ve been struggling with feelings for you.  part of me wants to be with you, date, all that business, but the other part of me says ‘what?  he’s 8 years older than you, are you high?!?!’ so I don’t want anything to change with our relationship.”

me: “wow…  well I for one wouldn’t mind some change.  I mean im like 1/2 and 1/2 wanting to keep our current friendship,” we are actually pretty close, talk boyfriend woes all the time, stuff going on at our various works, etc, good friends, “and wanting to see what happens if it goes past friendship.”

her: “well when I said part of me is tempted, i meant like one stray neutron floating around in my brain, the rest of me is repulsed by the age difference.  oh i know!  let’s just forget this ever happened.  this was all just a bad dream, now sign off gmail and go to sleep, i was never here.”

what the hell

I guess it’s ok right?  after all im a man, and that means that I don’t have real emotions right?  therefore you’re not walking all over my feelings and grinding them into uselessness because I didn’t have any in the first place right?  right?

so I’ll go on lieing to myself and to you, girl, because thats what I do, take it on the shoulder, stagger, but don’t fall down, and forget about tears, im a man remember?  I’m just going to go through this torture of texting you and chatting on gmail and facebook and talk about you problems and mine, and see you get a boyfriend and tell myself that I’m happy for you and hope it goes away with time.

ok, big smile!  hide, cause that’s the way of men in this western culture!  build up them walls and never let anything in, that’s the best policy!

…fuck this place…

21st March 2011

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so there was this guy once…

he was pretty average.  liked to ride the bell curve.  did fairly good in high school, but then he decided it wasn’t worth the effort.  since then he’s been riding this wave of western freebies into oblivion.

every now and again he catches a whiff of something different, something better, and on rare occasion he’s jumped off the wave and swam against the current for a little while.  and although the effort was exhilarating and helped him grow stronger, he kept forgetting to eat and breath and eventually just rolled back onto the surf board and took a nap.

he’s catching a whiff again.  in fact, its like someone is cooking in the next backyard over and he’s salivating with the thought of even some overcooked hamburger meat or a corn cob that has been left on too long, but he’s afraid that he’ll distract himself like he’s been doing the last year or three and forget about it before he gets around to swimming again.

he knows he can do it.  he knows there’s food and air for the asking, and he’s beginning to get sick of this wave he’s on. 

he’s fairly certain that he loathes himself…

4th February 2011

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ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE

I rly enjoyed this, sent to me by my DM:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

30th January 2011

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my lord, my god

please hear my cry

I feel down trodden

like leaves fresh fallen

turn to dust, and blow away.

I feel my time

has come and gone

that I yet linger

in this world complete

without me.

my nights I lie

awake in bed

my days i dream

like waking memories

all the same, half remembered

half forgotten like me.

be with me now

let me be with you

for i fear 

nobody is for me, none come close

not like you.

you’ve held me up

in times long past

you’ve been my shield

my rock

in the sifting sands of life.

oh lord, my god

please hear my cry

I know you’re close

like leaves newly grown

this man of dust needs you.

30th January 2011

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I realize im only posting few and far between…  and usually after some book or song or movie stirs up some angsty thing inside of me, but whatever.

Just watched chasing amy.  I was totally enraptured.  I had to stop once to do something which led to getting distracted with homework (weird right?) but besides that hour break or so it was one sitting.  

and I suppose I should make a point of saying to you, dear reader, that I have been trying to tread lightly with any or all things related to homosexuality of late.  I don’t consider it to be an issue I struggle with or anything like that.  But i have been recognizing lately how frequently it is referenced in popular culture, calling someone a fag, labeling an event as gay because it was undesirable or poorly timed.  and while I don’t want to condone such lifestyles, i do feel like I should not be using such words as descriptors for anything or anyone due to the more widely accepted definitions they possess any more than I should use the word ginger or nigger.

disclamer aside, i really enjoyed the movie.  on the surface level of analysis, I quite enjoy the whole movie franchise from that group of thesbians.  everything from clerks 1 and 2, dogma, mall rats, and jay and silent bob strike back.  Chasing amy fit right into the catalogue.  

Like the other movies, this bagan with a carefree happy-go-lucky attitude.  a couple of comic book writers meet up with another writer who introduce the main character to a girl, with whom he is immediately smitten.  Quite early on, however, he learns that she is gay.  this throws a huge wrench in the works at least 3 different distinct times which all have to be worked out.  

I wont ruin the flick for you if you haven’t seen it, but happy-go-lucky is merely the veiner on this thoughtful portrayal of human folly and pride.  The players in this play want to mend the various misbegotten situations that arise from their own stereotypical and distrustful attitudes, but they end up only solving their singular symptoms, not the group’s problems.  Self is, though unknowingly, the end goal.  

I had to stop and ponder what this meant for me.  This was not a feel-good movie or anything sating a phrase beginning with the word “gratuitous.”  This was a movie intended to share emotional insight with the audience.  So what was shared?

How do I live out my love life?  I mope and complain to myself about how I’m not suited to relationships.  I see other couples and feel resignation that i’m destined to always be in the audience at a wedding and never in front of the altar.  Depression is a daily thing in my life when i’m not too busy with school to let it be.

And I have realized that I enjoy this depression.  I feel some sort of self righteous score being marked up as i sit and realize i’m alone.  I feel like people should have pity on me and hook me up with someone, but then when they don’t then I get some kind of extra holy points for suffering in silence.  what the heck is wrong with me.

I just said “I” and “my” 17 times in the last two paragraphs.  That’s what is wrong with me.  I have the telescope turned backwards and can’t understand why the shore looks so far away.

[pause in which I sat with my chin in my hand leaning on the seak looking out the window for a bit.  I sighed a few times, checked the cans of mt. dew on my desk, which were all empty, and began writing again]

My sister just got engaged.  Another girl I know who I chatted with quite a lot over the break just started dating someone.  Someone else haha…  [chin in hand again…]  the best part of getting my thoughts out in the open, writing them down and organizing them?  They don’t change how I feel.  or, sadly, they dont create feeling where I don’t feel anything…

23rd October 2010

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So I just finished watching the social network.  it was lovely.  but it was also kindof sad.  It was sad in how little any of that ‘rockstar’ life actually meant to him.  It was sad how little he learned about women, the very reason he made the thing in the first place.  But it was mostly sad because it was epic.  It was huge.  the dude irl gave 300 million bucks to the new york school system to promote his movie.  $300,000,000.00  And it was nothing to him.  

what now?  how far does “yeah, i’m that guy” actually get you.  but I digress.  the hugeness of it all saddens me because i’m not there.  thats not me.  I’m looking at a decent job, as far as salaries go, when I graduate.  it wouldn’t be out of the question to have a 6 figure income in the next 10 to 15 years.  but its not really about the money for me.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, i’d love to land a job like that, be comfortable, have a new camaro, whatever.  But I don’t relish the life I have to look forward to.  

I’ll go to work, do a good job, maybe be a project head on this or that, come home and pay my mortgage and send my kids to a decent college.  I’ll work and maybe better some people’s lives, and increase the net worth of the company hopefully, and pass on.  It’s not epic.  It’s not grandiose.  It’s not amazing.  

yes.  you are correct.  I currently have a whole lot of my priorities in the wrong place.  But I look around and see people I know with jobs and families and they all seem fairly contented with their lives.  yes again, you’re correct that appearances are only just that; appearances.  but at the same time, I know some of those people personally, and I know they’re content.  They’re happy.  and it is totally foreign to me to think that some day I’ll be in their shoes and also be happy.  I only see mediocrity.  

maybe that’s why video games are such a big part of my life.  maybe thats why I love to get away and be this starship captain, a jedi knight turned smuggler, or a dual-sword weilding warrior.  but to tell people what I do or where I work and see them wince and know that scenes from office space or walking tall are flashing through their minds…  that makes me sad.  

Saw a thing on the interwebs today in which a reader asked the editors from Time magazine in london, “why is beard?”  it really tinted my whole day.  why is beard?  why is jeffery?  well I know the answer to the latter:  I am to glorify the mist high.  Thats why I am.  now, how am I?  

I want it to be epic.  I want it to be grand.  It being my life, my existence.  And my existence being His glory.  How can I do that?  Where can I do that?  In america living the corporate dream?  online slaying foes and making lots of (in game) money?  In exotic locales living the expat life?  

if only douglas adams were correct.  42.  so simple.  I must study up on ecclesiastes in the near future.  and I must get some sleep.  it is now 311 (like that band hehe) good night, and welcome to my blog.